I've been thinking...

Where do people turn to in times of need?

To religion. To God.


I want to find my way again.


I have so much faith in God and the afterlife. It's like...one day this summer, I took a walk to the cemetery by my house ("my cemetery"). It was so wonderful and peaceful. I wish I had wrote about this experience then while it was still fresh in my mind, but I'll try to look back.

I was walking through the path of trees, and I heard the wind chimes. Everything was so warm, but not dreadfully hot. I lied down on the grass and everything felt so nice. I did not feel worried. I didn't feel alone. I don't know how to describe in words how I felt, but it was beautiful. It gave me faith that there is something else out there...something beyond this world. Particularly with Florida Grandma (a person I could not get off my mind this summer and even right now), I just knew she was going somewhere wonderful. I knew she still would exist somewhere and that everything would be ok.

Even now, she's in my dreams. I know there's something.

Another thing, today, there was the most beautiful sunset. I was on the 12th floor of the library and light was shinning on the books. It was a mix of orange and pink colors. Everything else around me was dark, but the light was so prominent. It made me feel warm.


I know there's something good out there. I know this negative stage will change.


I guess at this point, I just don't want to wait any more. I want to do whatever it takes to make this warmth come and full throttle.

All I truly want for Christmas this year is change...and to be happy. I want to be happy and I want my family to be happy. I really really really want my family to feel good again. It hurts me so much to ever know they're in pain.


So I need God. God, I need you. I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

I hate the word "No." I think I hate that word the most.


Who likes being told they can't do something? Whether it is a dream or just something simple we want to do, people don't being told "No." The word is just so concrete and so negative.


I know it's a simple word...it's common...it's necessary.

But I hate it and I try not to say it.


I hate being told "No." And I hate being told to "Shup up" or "Be quiet."

I won't be afraid just as long as you stand by me

re·sent·ment

n. Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance. Sometimes, it helps me to look up exact definitions of words. I was just trying to make sure I was using the word resentment correctly and apparently I am. I resent all my roommates. This could all be "real" or "imagined," I'm never able to tell. I just wish people would stand by me...and I don't think I'm making up the fact that these people who are supposed to like me don't give a shit. I can get over the fact that two of these people, I've only known for a year. But I've known Amanda for seven years. She's supposed to be loyal. Instead, her, Kate and Sara are all really close and they all don't care about me. Why does this happen? It makes me so upset. Besides the fact that I'm living with people who are cold to me, only me and nice to everyone else, it hurts because I feel betrayed. Or rather, wrongfully abandoned. I try not to think about it, but I guess I think about this every day. Maybe I should just try to stop thinking about it altogether. Maybe, it's real, but I'm exaggerating it. And if I can focus on other things, I'll be happier in general....and the happiness will be coming from myself... and then maybe through all of this, they won't treat me badly anymore, if I'm overall in a happier state...and maybe I should just get to the point where they don't affect me that way. I always feel that the people that are the most successful are the ones who don't let people or things bother them. I mean that in the broad sense because I know we all get bothered...but I think I'm bothered by many things. I'm sensitive. I want to change. I want to change. I want change. Positive change. I know it will all work out in the end. I just feel lost and alone. The only thing I'm sure of in my life right now is animation...and I'm not even that good at it...I just know I want to do better. So...how do I change? Or accept change from outside sources?

there's so much I have to say and want to write about

But I'm procrastinating write now from an essay...

I just wanted to write one thing that's nice and simple.


It's so nice to hear good things about yourself from other people. It's nice to feel appreciated and that someone understands you.

That's why I love Stephanie. Thank God for her.

Today we were talking about our final project painting ideas. She always listens to what I have to say and is genuinely interested in my ideas and concepts and what inspires me.
I love quotes and I'm usually inspired by them. That's something she mentioned. It went along the lines of "See, other people could read that and say 'Oh that's cool,' but you really take it all in and gain inspiration from it. You really think about it."

And that just made me so happy that she recognized my efforts. Stuff like that means so much to me and no one cares that I love quotes and log stuff away, I guess except maybe English professors.

And how should I begin?

I don't think liking T.S. Eliot makes one pretentious. Sure, people are uneducated and annoying about him, but I think his work is fascinating. He also has a hilarious speaking voice...and by hilarious, I mean, overly dramatic and serious. Anyway....

I loveeeee The Hollow Men...but I'm going to write about something interesting in The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock...mmhmmm lovely title.

I noticed a correlation between lines in this poem and a quote from Eugene O'Neill's Long Day's Journey Into Night, one of my favorite dramas.

"I should have been a pair of ragged claws

Scuttling across the floors of silent seas." -Eliot

""It was a great mistake my being born a man. I would have been much more successful as a sea-gull or a fish. As it is, I will always be a stranger who never feels at home, who does not really want is not really wanted, who can never belong, who must always be a little in love with death!" -O'Neill I'm fascinated by this desire to be another being instead of a human...in both of these instances, the speaker dismisses the depressing lifestyle they are surrounded with and wishes to be a creature associated with the sea. I love that...I don't know how else to describe how I feel about it. I just find it so interesting. These authors are connecting us to the ocean, to beginning of life, bringing us all closer to our own origins. Does that make any sense?

Filthy acts of desperation

I mostly blame this on art school, but lately I've been feeling like I'm the observer and people are so gritty and vulgar, only after themselves, only after sex and a good time, not concerned with decency or any kind of morality.


Wow. So I feel obnoxious.

I'm not a critically acclaimed artist who has made glory by exposing the hypocrisy and perversity of all humans, but I'm just glad those artists did the exposing. I feel less like an ass hole.

My art is generally emotional and heart-felt. It's rarely ground-breaking and dirty to demonstrate hypocrisy and vulgarity...but sometimes, I wish it was more like that....because lately, I have not been seeing positive qualities in the humans around me.

I wish I didn't go to bed every night hearing my roommate having sex.


Maybe I'm just jealous.



But also, I just want to be in my own little bubble and for everyone to leave me alone

Jewel

I've been listening to a lot of Jewel lately...and I know it's a scene, but I love her and can really relate to a lot of her songs on "Pieces of You." This is bad, haha.

I really love Foolish Games these days....I keep singing it over and over again. I really can relate to that right now.

But also to I'm Sensitive, which is a scene of a song...and I hate to admit it, but I'm sensitive...really sensitive...and yeah...that's my song...to Amanda. I'm going to tell her what I think today or some time soon. I can't live with her and still feel this way. I'm dreading moving into my apartment so much and that can't be right.

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it to people who have some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

Rest in Peace, Florida Grandma

You are so beautiful. I love you. I hope that you are happy now. I really hate thinking about this. She's always been in so far away....I'm in denial that she's even gone.

I'm not crazy

I need to give myself more credit. Many of the things I think are often correct.

So in regards to that last entry, I'm correct.

I don't know if Amanda hates me, but she treats me like shit.

And she knows she treats me like shit. She's told other people that she's aware she does this.

I don't want to do deal with it anymore. It makes me sad mostly.

But it also makes me angry.

I have self-confidence issues, but overall I like who I am.

I like that I'm sentimental. I like that I see the good in people and give people chances.

If she's going to be that way, I don't have to treat her nicely.

Problem is, we're living together. I guess I'll just really separate myself from her. Last year, I thought we were in it together. Now that I know we're not, I can try to fend for myself.

It actually really depresses me when I think about it. But now I know that I have to accept that the mentality has changed.

" It's just that I feel stranded. And I thought the whole point was that we wouldn't feel stranded. I thought the point was we were all in this together" -The Heidi Chronicles

I know I'm mostly crazy, but half the time I feel that Amanda hates me. Perhaps hate is too strong of a word...let's change it to doesn't respect or take me seriously.

I don't know. It makes me violent.

But sometimes I can understand why she would feel that way if she does.

And when it comes to the heart of it, it makes me sad. We were supposed to be in all this together. At least I thought we did anyway. Now I just feel like a nuisance to her.

I hope this is mostly in my head.

I wish

I wish my grandma still wanted to live so that she could've fought off this sickness. I know she could've survived longer if she just tried. But this is what she wants. She wants to go. So I guess that's less sad.

I bought her sunflowers. My dad's flying down to Florida tomorrow to see her and he'll give her them. I just wish I could see her one more time, but my family isn't having the best financial times as of late. I just want her to know that I love her. Damn emotions.

I'd swim across lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room

To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals

To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I'll never know the man who loved me

I know

I know I'm mostly crazy, but still...

I wish I had appreciated times in the past more between my friends and I.

Nothing's radically different nowadays, it's just a mentality change.

I don't know. I used to feel that all my friends genuinely enjoyed my company and would want me to be there with them in certain situations. I often was invited to things.

Now I feel....left out.

And I feel like they don't care either way if I'm there or not.

I guess I wish I never placed such a high importance on friends because I've only been let down lately.

I don't remember always associating them with my happiness, but I suppose I always did.

It's stupid though...real happiness has to come from inside myself.

I also just want adventure and new experiences. I'm restless. I'm determined to change, but the change I want is always harder to obtain the change that happens in life that I never asked for.

"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences." -quoted in the movie Into the Wild

In the end

The concert was amazing! The best thing I've ever seen and probably ever will see...concert wise...I don't know...world prove me wrong.

It made me very happy...so emotional.

I tried not to, but I cried for Hey Jude, Let it Be and Here Today. I just couldn't believe I was seeing him.

It made my whole family happy, especially my dad which makes me really happy. Sorry, I need to come up with a better word than "happy," but I'm not exaggerating. Anyway, the concert really gave me hope that everything will turn out all right for me and my family.

"In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." I've grown up listening to that line, but it's never meant so much to me in my life than right now. It's so true.

I think the concert just made me realize that dwelling in negativity won't ever do me any good. I'm trying to move on, just let go and accept everything happening around me.

I think in the long run that's all that will really matter.

Thank you Paul...

...and John and Ringo and George.

maybe I'm amazed

I'm seeing Paul McCartney tomorrow night in concert at the new Mets stadium!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait I'm so excited.

I grew up listening to The Beatles. My dad loves them, as do I. They hold a special place in my heart. Seeing Paul tomorrow is the closest I'll ever get to seeing The Beatles. I can't begin to express how much this will mean to me and my whole family. I know everyone loves The Beatles, but that doesn't make this feel any less special. It makes me love them so much more for how they could touch so many people.

I feel bad, I was a little moody today and maybe mean to my family, but tomorrow will be fine. I can't wait. I think my heart might literally cave in from all the happiness.

I need Paul to play Let it Be, Hey Jude and Maybe I'm Amazed. I'm pretty sure he will. I really want him to play Michelle because that's my middle name and I also love that song.

Pretty much...tomorrow is a big moment in my life.

Sounds lame, but I don't care :D

I'm totally half in denial/ half upset and accepting of my grandmother's health.

It's not looking to good.

I'm writing her a card tomorrow and painting a sunflower. We used to go and walks and look at the sunflowers.

Um...but this is something she's accepting of.

and that fact makes me fear death less. I think it's less scary, when it's your time to go.

It still is sad.

And I still fear dying just because there's so much I want to do.

UGH

Why won't anyone cooperate with me? I just want to do something fun! This summer has been so boring. All I do is work. And when I'm not working, I want to be having fun, but I'm not.

sggmwevgw embv3b rbnebhwer berbweb

I miss Boston.

I want to get away

I'm going to try to make this entry the least bit as melodramatic as possible.

The people I surround myself with are just making me angry these days. I love them all or something, but I keep feeling put down. I don't know if I'm acting my true self around them anymore.

Now I'm not saying I need to get away on vacation or anything, but I'd like just one break from the monotony. Every week seems to drag along the same way. I want something new and exciting.

I get angry or hurt around some people, but I don't want to be alone either.

At this point I just feel like I have to get down on my knees and beg people to pay any mind to me. Fuck that. Honestly, I don't need that. If they don't want to make an effort to talk to me, then why should I waste my time on them?

Seriously, I feel that people treat you kindly when you first meet them. Perhaps this stage doesn't always last long, but it's nice and I really want that.

Yes that's it! When you first meet a person and they're excited to be talking to you...they actually give a damn about what you're saying. I want that.

Like I said, I think I just want a break.

This is one of my favorite songs ever:

I often try to listen to the advice of the lyrics in this song.

Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Slowly fade away

So I start a revolution from my bed
'cause you said the brains I have went to my head
Step outside 'cause summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off you face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

And so Sally can wait
She knows it's too late
As we're walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don't look back in anger
I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows
If it's night or day
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a rock and roll band
Who'll throw it all away

I'm gonna start a revolution from my bed
'cause you said the brains I have went to my head
Step outside 'cause summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off you face
'cause you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait
She knows it's too late
As she's walking on by
My soul slides away
But don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
I heard you say
At least not today

don't think twice, it's all right

I'm trying to find a way to be honest with people without

-hurting their feelings

-sounding like an ass hole

-sounding crazy

-being creepy

I don't know. I'm very open with my feelings. But I think it's time for me to start being completely honest about everything...well...I might keep one or two secrets still.

However, in general, I want to tell someone if I don't want to do something...if they're upsetting me...if I went in did something without them.

I don't know.

I wonder...

"I asked my brother if Kelly was unconventionally beautiful. 'No, she's hot beautiful.'"

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Haha, I love that quote. Seriously, I wish I could meet this narrator.

In terms of beauty and that quote, I feel like I'm more the former than the latter. If you're hot beautiful, I feel like you can get anything in this world. Damn.

It's just unfortunate that most of the people who find me beautiful are shady characters. I just wish a nice, unconventionally, but amazingly beautiful guy could love me.

But isn't that what most girls are wishing for?

Oh well.

Figures

Figures after all these years of loving you/hating you, I finally got over myself and accept you and goddammit I love you and am trying to get past everything that ever bothered me about you and just be kind.

And...perhaps I should stop creeping...ignorance is bliss...but yeah, she doesn't feel loved. She's happier far away with different friends. Well I'm not the one forcing her to hang out with me. I just don't know what she wants anymore.

I admit that I was a mean person to her in the past. I really feel ashamed of that. But I did have my own reasons, it wasn't just to be mean or anything like that. Anyway, to me it is all in the past. And I know she doesn't feel appreciated so I've been trying....

but I haven't been able to devote myself fully. I have such doubts. Well first of all, I am very disturbed by with what's going on right now at my life at home...my dad has been having problems at work. I think it's the last straw...anyway, I'll right more about that later. I'm terribly sad about that and still have to come to terms with it.

So yeah I can't focus entirely on our friendship. I've been having weird/ little freakouts everyday lately because of my own life. And I need comforting. But I'm afraid to ask anyone now. I think all these years I might've been taking and never giving anything back in return. It's kinda like the Boy who cried wolf thing, but then again not at all.

control yourself

Decision to decisions are made
And not bought,
But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not

Sometimes I swear ignorance really is bliss...I know it's not true, but it would be nice to be in that blind state of happiness again.

"This too shall pass"

I wish that I could've told myself years ago to calm down and that everything will be okay. At the moment, everything seems more intense. But everything changes. It will all be fine.

I still should tell myself that now, so I don't worry as much.

A man is not a piece of fruit

Today was Father's Day. I suggested to my family that we go see Pixar's Up. I already saw it and loved. I still loved it the second time. My parents liked it so I was happy.

I was going to make red velvet cupcakes for my dad, because he loves them, but we all just never had the time. I just wanted to make my dad happy because I love him and he's been sad lately. His job has definitely been stifling him for years. When I'm not home, I don't know if he's doing okay. Lately, I thought he was fine at work, but my mother has been telling me some depressing things. I don't know if everything's okay or if everything will turn out okay. I can't change anything in his business world. I just don't want his life to turn out to be like Death of a Salesman. Of course there are plenty of enough differences in life for my father to ever be like Willy Loman, but when I see the similarities I get terribly sad. Maybe it's just me thinking of possible outcomes...and sometimes I just blame the job of being a businessman.

"He's a man way out there in the blue, riding on a smile and a shoeshine....A salesman is got to dream, boy." -Death of a Salesman

I didn't know what to buy my dad....I didn't wind up buying him anything and I feel like a bad daughter. I know my father doesn't think that so why does it matter so much? Why am I trying to prove my love to him all in this one made-up holiday? It doesn't have to be that way. I love him and he knows it. Still...

I wound up making him angel food cake with strawberries and blueberries. Everyone liked it. I just wish I could make him happy.

"I just wanted to know what to buy my dad because I love him. And I don't know him. And he doesn't like to talk about things like that." -The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Btw, I'm really enjoying that book. I just want to hug Charlie.

they're acting on vagaries with their violent proclivities

Thanks to Pandora I really enjoy Andrew Bird these days.  This is due to the fact that I love Sufjan Stevens, Iron & Wine and José González.  I think Pandora and the Human Genome Project or whatever the hell they're talking about agree that all these artists use notes in similar keys and are generally males with breathy vocals.  Don't even get me started...I love them.  First of all, I'd marry Sufjan if I could.  I've had celebrity crushes before, but I honestly believe that I love everything about him...to be completely lame, his music makes an impact on my heart.  He even gets atheists to appreciate his music which contain many Christian-based sentiments or stories.  Now I'm not an atheist, but I'm not sure how I stand on Christianity anymore.  However, I find his devotion to God so ridiculously beautiful.  He's not preachy, he's just expressing himself...it's so honest and wonderful.  I don't know I just think he'd be a perfect husband.  I feel like he would never stifle anything I believe in.  Plus, he's so damn adorable...maybe a little short, but that will be fine.  I at least need to see him in concert.  

Um anyway, Andrew Bird...I like him, but I feel that his music could get repetitive.  He's still enjoyable.  

So I'm reading the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I enjoy it so far.  I feel like I was supposed to read it when I was 16, but that's okay.  I'm 19 and it's still relevant...sort of.  The narrator reminds me of myself...I guess I'm a wallflower.  He's just very honest and innocent and full of a lot of love and talent.  I look forward to reading more.  

I thought I had more to say...I'll post more later.  

"I believe in intuitions and inspirations.  I sometimes feel that I am right.  I do not know if I am."

-Albert Einstein

Yes, thank you Einstein!  I've been trying to figure out a good way of describing how I felt and he already did it for me.  I knew I loved that man.  Speaking of, I need to study more quantum physics...it sounds ridiculous for someone like me to try to understand it, but I find the topic interesting.  

Anyway, back to the quote.  Yes, intuition.  I swear to God that half the time when I'm worried about people's attitudes towards me or just feel uncomfortable with a situation, I don't know if I have natural instincts going on or if I'm really paranoid.  I think that it's a little bit of both.  Einstein might agree with me.  

I just haven't felt connected to anyone lately...and it's an honest concern of mine.  I might be exaggerating it, but I think it's partly true.  This means that I'm not entirely crazy.  

I still see hope...people are weird...they act strangely towards me sometimes.  I think this is just a phase and like all things, it will pass.  

Friends

I haven't been able to figure them out.  

For awhile I haven't felt close to any of them...

Then I had a nice chat with one of my good friends, and I thought she and I were on good terms.  Apparently, she thought I wasn't listening to any of her problems and that I'm too emotionally sensitive.  

So I kept quiet...I didn't want to bother my friends with my emotions.  

And I was sad...it's lame, but I was.  My good male friend recognized me acting differently and asked me why I was sad.   That made me happy.  I felt like he really cared about me.

 

But now I'm all mixed up again. Now I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me because he was acting strangely to me today...and it's weird.  I mean...all my friends are connected...I feel like they all keep doing things and I hear about these things, but I'm not actually involved in them...and there's no reason for me not to be involved because I am here doing nothing.  

So basically...I don't know.  I just don't know why I'm sometimes not invited to things.  I just feel left out...and I don't understand why this happens.  

Apparently I made this blog five hundred years ago, but never posted anything in here.  I've always used livejournal, even greatestjournal for awhile, but I stopped posting in those blogs and they got too old and nostalgic for me.  I want to start new and fresh here.  I'm also trying to write in a journal in addition to this electronic one.  I hope I do write frequently; I have a lot of emotions and need to express them in healthy ways.  Bottling up my emotions inside of myself only leads to negativity.  I can see that and so can the people around me.  

Anyway, I'm going to briefly introduce myself.  I don't know why I feel the need to because this is mainly for me.  However, it is online so I guess if others read it they might be interested in who I am.  My name's Rebecca and I'm going to be a sophomore in college.  I go to Massachusetts College of Art in Boston and am majoring in animation (I can't wait to make cartoons!).  I love it there.  I'm going to live in an apartment there with three of my friends next year.  I'm currently home for the summer in New York.  I'm working two jobs, but I still like to have free time.  I need to be able to relax, make art work and hang out with my friends.  I love my family and friends, like any other human being.  A lot of my crazy emotional rants will most likely derive from my interactions with them.  

As of right now, I'm waiting to go out and do something.  I was supposed to work tomorrow, but my bosses don't need me.  That's too bad...it's good money.  I work at a local, adorable tea shop in addition to being a page to my local library system.  I feel more productive these days.

Today, my mother, grandma and friends went to my church's Strawberry Festival.  After enjoying a delicious strawberry shortcake, I found myself hauling pieces of a couch into everyone's car.  Apparently my mother thought the $100 couch they were selling was a good deal.  So after a huge scene, we finally got all the couch pieces home.  It's a nice couch, especially seeing as how my other couch was falling apart.  My dad really liked my old couch though...so he might be angry...we'll see.  

That's probably not interesting to anyone.  

Well the things I want to do this summer are fairly interesting:

-I want to see the play Waiting for Godot in New York City

-I'm going to see Jason Mraz in concert

-I want to go to the Bronx zoo

-I want to go to Hershey Park (I've never been...and chocolate is my favorite indulgence, so this fact troubles me)

-I want to go to Paul McCartney's concert at the new Mets' stadium

-I want to go to a baseball game again 

I want to do a lot of shit.   I'll keep posting new things.

I guess that's all for now...oh I want to get better at writing.  I don't write that much at art school and I need to brush up on my skills.  I've always been a fairly decent writer.  I don't want my talents to wane, I'd rather them wax...was that moon reference stupid?  Oh well.  I don't care either way.