I've been thinking...

Where do people turn to in times of need?

To religion. To God.


I want to find my way again.


I have so much faith in God and the afterlife. It's like...one day this summer, I took a walk to the cemetery by my house ("my cemetery"). It was so wonderful and peaceful. I wish I had wrote about this experience then while it was still fresh in my mind, but I'll try to look back.

I was walking through the path of trees, and I heard the wind chimes. Everything was so warm, but not dreadfully hot. I lied down on the grass and everything felt so nice. I did not feel worried. I didn't feel alone. I don't know how to describe in words how I felt, but it was beautiful. It gave me faith that there is something else out there...something beyond this world. Particularly with Florida Grandma (a person I could not get off my mind this summer and even right now), I just knew she was going somewhere wonderful. I knew she still would exist somewhere and that everything would be ok.

Even now, she's in my dreams. I know there's something.

Another thing, today, there was the most beautiful sunset. I was on the 12th floor of the library and light was shinning on the books. It was a mix of orange and pink colors. Everything else around me was dark, but the light was so prominent. It made me feel warm.


I know there's something good out there. I know this negative stage will change.


I guess at this point, I just don't want to wait any more. I want to do whatever it takes to make this warmth come and full throttle.

All I truly want for Christmas this year is change...and to be happy. I want to be happy and I want my family to be happy. I really really really want my family to feel good again. It hurts me so much to ever know they're in pain.


So I need God. God, I need you. I'm willing to do whatever it takes.