some other folks

I've been weird lately, but I have been feeling much better. It makes me angry how long it takes me to get back to normal sometimes.

Anyway, is it weird that I love my boss and coworkers? They're very fun and comforting. Last night, I started to get emotional by accident. My boss was asking me about what happened and how I broke up with my ex and blah blah...and I like started tearing up for some reason. I don't know.

And he was so cool about it. And my coworker too. And he was just like "you're pretty, you're smart" etc. Haha and I know it's mostly important that I feel these things for myself, but it made me smile.

And this morning, I saw that he emailed me and asked if I was doing ok. That was so sweet of him! I just really appreciate that he cares. It's really nice because he doesn't have to care at all.

It's funny having friends in weird places.

"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it."

Why is The Lion King always so correct? lol

I feel so dumb and I don't know how to fix this at all.

"You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went; you can swear and curse the fates - but when it comes to the end, you have to let go."


I've referenced this before, but it's very appropriate right now. I need to always remember this.

I feel like I could wait for a long time if I had some sort of comfort...some sort of hope that it will be fine. A reassurance if you will. I want that reassurance to come to me, but it's not.

I don't know if I should keep trying or if I should just move on...gah.

be at peace

This day started off badly, but I feel much better now.


I talked to my boss for a long time about God. He always makes me feel at rest and have a better understanding. Ultimately, I understood that God isn't angry at us. God wants us to leave church and "Go with peace." He summarized this sentiment in terms of "I'm not okay. You're not okay. But it's okay." It's okay. It's all going to be fine. We also talked about how rainbows symbolize peace: for instance, this can be found in the rainbow after the flood and Noah's arc. All day I had been listening to The Rainbow Connection because the Muppets make me feel better. It had been overcast and unpleasantly raining all day. I looked past my boss outside the window over the city before I was leaving work and after we had discussed everything...in a blurred vision, I thought I saw a rainbow, but moreover I knew there was one. I just knew it. And sure enough there was a gorgeous rainbow arch covering half of the sky! I just felt that was very amazing and not merely coincidental. I felt at peace. I also felt happy walking home.


I do not know what the future holds. I do not know what's in store for me or the rest of the world. I do know that I will suffer hardships, but I know that it will all be okay. God will be suffering the hardships with me. And He's not mad at me. In fact, he's forgiven me before I was even born for all the sins I have and will commit.

Sorry this entry turned very religious. I just wanted to say that no matter what happens, it is very important to feel at peace and to believe in yourself. God wants that, and that is what's best for us. And if you're not religious or spiritual in any way, but have a little childish gleam in the heart maybe you can learn this peaceful attitude from the Muppets.

kindess

I can already tell that today is going to be an emotional day, but in a positive way. I think it's the kind of day were my eyes start to swell up because I just think of all the beauty in this world. And that sounds incredibly stupid and cheesy, but it's how I feel sometimes. I think worrying and fear often shrouds me in pain. I don't want to be wandering around in the darkness of uncertainty.

I'm not sure what lies ahead of me, but I know it's ultimately going to be good. I know everything will be fine. And I think whenever I'm afraid and confused, I'm going to turn to kindness. Kindness is something that always makes me feel good inside. I think it is one of the most beautiful things human beings have to offer each other, genuine kindness. Perhaps I want to be kind to people because when someone is like that to me, I just feel so much warmth on the inside. In any case, it's something I want to constantly try to strive for.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I love The Green Mile so much...the kindness of John Coffey is magical and goes beyond human reasoning. Now I want to finish the book and watch the movie again, haha.

"You tell God the Father it was a kindness you done. I know you hurtin' and worryin', I can feel it on you, but you oughta quit on it now. Because I want it over and done. I do. I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?" -The Green Mile

"He kill them wi' their love. Wi' their love fo' each other. That's how it is, every day, all over the world."

Every annoying problem has come up today in the library. I need to get out of here! Gah!

yo

So that anxiousness I have been feeling lately is practically gone. I feel so much better! And happy. Very content :)

For Eric

I don't know what made him pop up in my mind, but he did.

You are such a miserable person and I am so happy I don't turn to you in moments of weakness anymore. I didn't enjoy your company. I just liked attention. But I don't need it from you anymore.

Anyway, these past two days have been really odd.

And I don't feel like explaining the situation that just happened in the library, but the moral of the story is...should I take harp lessons?

I'm in a glass case of emotion

I feel like I have way too much going on in my mind right now. I'm overwhelmed with everything. Funny thing is, nothing is negative. Everything is positive just new...and it's all happening so fast and I just want the thoughts to slow down.

Working at the library, I have way too much time to think. I need a distraction.

out there

I feel that I'm much more adventurous in my life right now than I have been in the past.

And it's fun! And I'm excited.


But then I started second guessing myself and freaking out, and I'm ultimately deciding that I just need to be cazh and calm down. And stop worrying. Let things happen on their own.

you've got a friend in me

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you
The way I do, it's me and you


I am so content with my life right now.

Aside from a sprained ankle, I'm really really happy.

For several reasons. Everything is going well for once. Or at least I'm starting to improve everything...my self, my relationship with God, my artwork, my love life.... and I'm clearly having a lot of fun with friends.

I mean I have a long way to go still before I'm decently good at everything, but at least I'm happy and enjoying the process.

And some people dance

First of all, anyone reading this...go to Google right now! That is an order! Well not really, but it's beautiful. The whole page is covered in a photograph of colorful orbs floating in a pond. Ah, Google, you get me every time with your random, adorable images.

I feel oddly in the mood to write and so I shall.
On to what I wanted to say....

I'm ridiculously obsessed with quotes. I find them so inspirational. Lucky for me, I don't feel unoriginal because many people enjoy quotes. I definitely figured out why I do. They're relatable...I mean c'mon that wasn't too hard to grasp. Often times I find myself lost just trying to figure out a way to describe a feeling or some concluded piece of knowledge I managed to discover...and yet so many wise people have already done that for me! Now I'm able to just enjoy the quotes that I can relate to and try to listen to the advice given to me.

I seriously cannot stop quoting The Curious Case of Benjamin Button movie. I tried reading the short story, but didn't finish it. I can't make any judgments about the original story, but I love the movie so much (especially Brad Pitt's role).

I keep posting a million quotes from that movie on various sites, so here's a new one:
"There was a silence in the house. It was a wonderful place to grow up. I was with people who had shed all the inconsequences of earlier life. Left wondering about the weather, the temperature of a bath, the light at the end of the day."

It's so simple and yet I think it's such a beautiful quote. I think often times, we all get caught up in stress and inimportant things weighing down on us...we forget about the simple pleasures of life. For instance, in the movie, in the nursing home, the house was silent and Benjamin enjoyed listening to all the little nuances of sound surrounding him. Also, I think it's interesting that weather is mentioned. I realized a few older people I know are always concerned about the weather...I feel like that makes sense. The weather is a non-controversial topic, one that we can all relate to and understand. I think people as they age, may be more interested in the weather because it's something that won't bring up too much hardship. Sure, it can rain for days, or snow, or just generally be depressing weather, but one day there is bound to be sunshine.

Anyway, I don't know if any of this is making sense, but I just felt the need to write about this.


And the last lines of the movie are gorgeous in my opinion. They're not anything fancy or garish, but they give me goosebumps every time.

Maybe I'm too damn sentimental, but I like being this way.

Almost There

I feel that in most areas of my life I am "almost there." Well I'm tired of feeling that way. I want to be there dammit and I'm going to try!

To sum everything up, there are two things I need to fix in my life.
-I need to lose weight and be in shape
-I need to drastically get better at drawing

Ok...these are things I want anyway.

And you know what slightly upsets me? I know that more than anything I want to be a talented artist, but right now I feel that improving my drawing is on the back burner. For awhile, I've been wanting to get in shape and I feel more motivated to fix my body right now than my craft...that can't be good. It's like, I want to get better at drawing of course, but I feel that improving my body will boost my confidence and I'll be all around happier...and when I'm happy, I'll enjoy drawing more.

It's like...I need creative juices to start flowing.


But also, I just want to be happy...and many signs in my life are telling me that I need to start thinking positive, being optimisitc and just trying to have fun...because deep down, I just want to have fun and be happy...my sometimes serious front is just a sign of fear and self-doubt. I really want to erase these things from my life.


I'm trying at least. :)

healthy, wealthy and wise

And don't we all want to be all of those things?

Um I don't think I listen to my body well enough. It really makes the perfect judgments of my own health. Sounds simple enough. But I feel like it's something we all forget.

Lately, I think my body is telling me I need more sleep and water. I feel weak, and my body's like "Why are you doing this to me?!"


This sounds stupid. I think it sounded more profound in my head. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I appreciate that I have a better general understanding of my health these days. In the past, I don't think I ever listened to my body.


-“Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.” -Buddha

sometimes

Sometimes I worry that I'm not getting everything across...let me try to explain this. I feel like I have so much I want to share with the world...comforting, sweet, ideas...fun ideas, beautiful things...I dunno. I was watching Pixar's Up and I fall in love with it more each time. Just how they presented the characters with such charm. I just feel like I want to present those things too...and either I'm not doing it right or I don't have as many charming ideas as I thought I did...

Lately I feel like my teachers are telling me I have a lot of potential. That I'm capable of being amazing. This is both good and bad. I guess I just want to be amazing now and I don't know how to. I'm struggling. I just feel like something's not clicking...and hopefully one day it will all make sense? But is it that easy?

I just don't know.

Hope

I wrote this in 10th grade in high school. Some things never change.

"A very important word to me is hope. I think we all must have hope, cherish hope and never let it go. I've come to realize that when everything is hitting and chipping at me, hope keeps me sane. Hope is easily clichéd, but it is important. I want to leave this world knowing that hope actually was a good thing. I want to tell people to have hope, even if everything doesn't always go right. To dream about something to come can be difficult, but I find it so worth it instead of living in pessimism thinking nothing will ever get better. Maybe one day that boy will like you. Maybe one day you'll feel complete again (even though all your loved ones are gone). I hope to become a better person as I grow up. I wrote a poem once perfectly describing myself; I always felt that I was "Vulnerable, not beautiful," but I hope one day that I can change. The thing is, for me it's hard to just dream and not do anything about it. When I hope, I drive myself to try to achieve what I am dreaming about. Some things are more difficult to attain, but just that feeling that everything is within reach if you want it enough is a comforting thing to me."

hope

Out there
There's a world outside of Yonkers
Way out there beyond this hick town, Barnaby
There's a slick town, Barnaby
Out there
Full of shine and full of sparkle
Close your eyes and see it glisten, Barnaby
Listen, Barnaby...

summer in the city

It appears that I will be spending the summer in Boston!

I'm definitely going to work at the library here :) Now I just have to see if I can get an internship...

and no

And now for no particular reason, I do not feel good. I feel fairly negative. Gah!


Where's that happiness?

Well these feelings are no good and I'm going to try really hard to feel content again...because why should I worry?

strange and beautiful

I feel really happy/content these past few days. I have no idea why. There's nothing that special happening. Trust me, I have a lot of school work and stuff to worry about, but I just feel good.

I think for once everything might start working...I don't know.


I'm turning 20 on Saturday. Maybe I'll finally start acting mature or something.

In any case, I'm feeling pretty good...and I hope it stays this way :)

people they ain't no good at all

There's so many things I could say to you in a letter, but I can't summarize all that I feel. It is a very difficult task. I finally realized this much however. I don't miss you. I don't need you. You are not truly my friend.

You have made me act horrid this past semester and made me very upset. I now know that if I hadn't invested so much time last semester worrying about our fucked up friendship, I could've been focusing my energy on strengthening good friendships and building new ones. I'm already so much better off right now with you not in my life.


I think you are a selfish, spoiled, rotten person. You are greedy and awful. You don't care about anyone but yourself.

I've done so many crazy things in my head to protect myself from you. To justify myself to you...to try to present to you different ways of saying "You are not doing this right at all."


All of these quotes I have directed towards you and I doubt you even know.

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." -Mark Twain

You are a small person.

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed." -Albert Einstein

Your eyes are clearly dimmed.


"I don't blame any of us. We're all concerned, intelligent, good women. It's just that I feel stranded. And I thought the whole point was that we wouldn't feel stranded. I thought the point was we were all in this together." The Heidi Chronicles by Wendy Wasserstein

I thought we were in this together, but you have made it clear that we are not. This used to make me really upset, but now I don't even want you in my life. I know I'm better off without you. This is definitely your loss. I deserve better.

send me on my way

I'm really excited to live somewhere else next year...and by somewhere else I mean, a street over in a new apartment with new people. I need a change, a need a positive atmosphere. I just feel invisible here and unimportant here.

I always feel like there's girls who are respected for being really intelligent...and they are associated with intelligence. And then there's girls who are known as being especially beautiful. And I realized I am not known as either of those things.

Personally, I think I'm beautiful and smart...but I feel like not many people see that.


I guess I just don't know how to fix this. Gah.

Gah

I miss my dad. I feel like I haven't been normal to him since the summer...since he got laid off, I just feel bad. I feel like his spirit has been crushed. ...and I guess I've avoided talking to him because it kills me to see him in moments of weakness..

But he's doing better.


And I think I sorta had a revelation tonight...what does it matter, if he's struggling a little right now? I think it threw me off because my whole life he's been in charge of his life and I thought everything was perfectly stable with him. This just makes me realize that he's human. He's perfectly fine. And I love him completely. I miss him so much right now. It doesn't matter what weird standards I set up for him, I still love him for him...I know he'll get out of this rut, but he needs my support. I can't be freaked out anymore. I need to show him my love and support.

chocolate

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

I'm really confused right now. I'm restless and weird.

I want to do something. I don't know if it's because I'm lonely or because it is something I really want. I really don't know.

But it's like...I really want something to happen...but deep down I know it can't be that morally correct.



should I act on an impulse for once? I never usually do.

Wait

I really enjoy the Rubber Soul album of The Beatles. That came out of nowhere.
It might be my favorite album...hmmm

Fresh start

It is now 2010. Happy New Year! So long and good riddance to 2009, an awful year, in my humble opinion.

I need change. I need to do something new, exciting and life-changing. I'm young now. I'm afraid I'm going to get older and not have experienced anything spectacular.

So here's I list I'll continue adding on to of things I should consider doing....or definitely want to d and need to happen.

-Lose weight. This one is necessary in my opinion. I've been saying it for years and I've done this gradually, but now it needs to happen. It's not good that a lot of my self-confidence depends on my weight, but I keep convincing myself that it does. And I'm the only one who has control over my appearance. Control is a good thing. I need to finally do this and I'll feel happier about myself.

-Figure out a summer job...MassArt Library is an option. Library at home is another option. I'd rather stay in Boston because I believe it would be more eventful and I already have to pay for the apartment so that makes sense.

-Look into study abroad programs. Maybe even a summer program?

-Look into an internship...a summer internship or one for next year.

-Read more books.

-Sketch more

-Calm down...I don't know...to be continued...