don't think twice, it's all right

I'm trying to find a way to be honest with people without

-hurting their feelings

-sounding like an ass hole

-sounding crazy

-being creepy

I don't know. I'm very open with my feelings. But I think it's time for me to start being completely honest about everything...well...I might keep one or two secrets still.

However, in general, I want to tell someone if I don't want to do something...if they're upsetting me...if I went in did something without them.

I don't know.

I wonder...

"I asked my brother if Kelly was unconventionally beautiful. 'No, she's hot beautiful.'"

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Haha, I love that quote. Seriously, I wish I could meet this narrator.

In terms of beauty and that quote, I feel like I'm more the former than the latter. If you're hot beautiful, I feel like you can get anything in this world. Damn.

It's just unfortunate that most of the people who find me beautiful are shady characters. I just wish a nice, unconventionally, but amazingly beautiful guy could love me.

But isn't that what most girls are wishing for?

Oh well.

Figures

Figures after all these years of loving you/hating you, I finally got over myself and accept you and goddammit I love you and am trying to get past everything that ever bothered me about you and just be kind.

And...perhaps I should stop creeping...ignorance is bliss...but yeah, she doesn't feel loved. She's happier far away with different friends. Well I'm not the one forcing her to hang out with me. I just don't know what she wants anymore.

I admit that I was a mean person to her in the past. I really feel ashamed of that. But I did have my own reasons, it wasn't just to be mean or anything like that. Anyway, to me it is all in the past. And I know she doesn't feel appreciated so I've been trying....

but I haven't been able to devote myself fully. I have such doubts. Well first of all, I am very disturbed by with what's going on right now at my life at home...my dad has been having problems at work. I think it's the last straw...anyway, I'll right more about that later. I'm terribly sad about that and still have to come to terms with it.

So yeah I can't focus entirely on our friendship. I've been having weird/ little freakouts everyday lately because of my own life. And I need comforting. But I'm afraid to ask anyone now. I think all these years I might've been taking and never giving anything back in return. It's kinda like the Boy who cried wolf thing, but then again not at all.

control yourself

Decision to decisions are made
And not bought,
But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not

Sometimes I swear ignorance really is bliss...I know it's not true, but it would be nice to be in that blind state of happiness again.

"This too shall pass"

I wish that I could've told myself years ago to calm down and that everything will be okay. At the moment, everything seems more intense. But everything changes. It will all be fine.

I still should tell myself that now, so I don't worry as much.

A man is not a piece of fruit

Today was Father's Day. I suggested to my family that we go see Pixar's Up. I already saw it and loved. I still loved it the second time. My parents liked it so I was happy.

I was going to make red velvet cupcakes for my dad, because he loves them, but we all just never had the time. I just wanted to make my dad happy because I love him and he's been sad lately. His job has definitely been stifling him for years. When I'm not home, I don't know if he's doing okay. Lately, I thought he was fine at work, but my mother has been telling me some depressing things. I don't know if everything's okay or if everything will turn out okay. I can't change anything in his business world. I just don't want his life to turn out to be like Death of a Salesman. Of course there are plenty of enough differences in life for my father to ever be like Willy Loman, but when I see the similarities I get terribly sad. Maybe it's just me thinking of possible outcomes...and sometimes I just blame the job of being a businessman.

"He's a man way out there in the blue, riding on a smile and a shoeshine....A salesman is got to dream, boy." -Death of a Salesman

I didn't know what to buy my dad....I didn't wind up buying him anything and I feel like a bad daughter. I know my father doesn't think that so why does it matter so much? Why am I trying to prove my love to him all in this one made-up holiday? It doesn't have to be that way. I love him and he knows it. Still...

I wound up making him angel food cake with strawberries and blueberries. Everyone liked it. I just wish I could make him happy.

"I just wanted to know what to buy my dad because I love him. And I don't know him. And he doesn't like to talk about things like that." -The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Btw, I'm really enjoying that book. I just want to hug Charlie.

they're acting on vagaries with their violent proclivities

Thanks to Pandora I really enjoy Andrew Bird these days.  This is due to the fact that I love Sufjan Stevens, Iron & Wine and José González.  I think Pandora and the Human Genome Project or whatever the hell they're talking about agree that all these artists use notes in similar keys and are generally males with breathy vocals.  Don't even get me started...I love them.  First of all, I'd marry Sufjan if I could.  I've had celebrity crushes before, but I honestly believe that I love everything about him...to be completely lame, his music makes an impact on my heart.  He even gets atheists to appreciate his music which contain many Christian-based sentiments or stories.  Now I'm not an atheist, but I'm not sure how I stand on Christianity anymore.  However, I find his devotion to God so ridiculously beautiful.  He's not preachy, he's just expressing himself...it's so honest and wonderful.  I don't know I just think he'd be a perfect husband.  I feel like he would never stifle anything I believe in.  Plus, he's so damn adorable...maybe a little short, but that will be fine.  I at least need to see him in concert.  

Um anyway, Andrew Bird...I like him, but I feel that his music could get repetitive.  He's still enjoyable.  

So I'm reading the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I enjoy it so far.  I feel like I was supposed to read it when I was 16, but that's okay.  I'm 19 and it's still relevant...sort of.  The narrator reminds me of myself...I guess I'm a wallflower.  He's just very honest and innocent and full of a lot of love and talent.  I look forward to reading more.  

I thought I had more to say...I'll post more later.  

"I believe in intuitions and inspirations.  I sometimes feel that I am right.  I do not know if I am."

-Albert Einstein

Yes, thank you Einstein!  I've been trying to figure out a good way of describing how I felt and he already did it for me.  I knew I loved that man.  Speaking of, I need to study more quantum physics...it sounds ridiculous for someone like me to try to understand it, but I find the topic interesting.  

Anyway, back to the quote.  Yes, intuition.  I swear to God that half the time when I'm worried about people's attitudes towards me or just feel uncomfortable with a situation, I don't know if I have natural instincts going on or if I'm really paranoid.  I think that it's a little bit of both.  Einstein might agree with me.  

I just haven't felt connected to anyone lately...and it's an honest concern of mine.  I might be exaggerating it, but I think it's partly true.  This means that I'm not entirely crazy.  

I still see hope...people are weird...they act strangely towards me sometimes.  I think this is just a phase and like all things, it will pass.  

Friends

I haven't been able to figure them out.  

For awhile I haven't felt close to any of them...

Then I had a nice chat with one of my good friends, and I thought she and I were on good terms.  Apparently, she thought I wasn't listening to any of her problems and that I'm too emotionally sensitive.  

So I kept quiet...I didn't want to bother my friends with my emotions.  

And I was sad...it's lame, but I was.  My good male friend recognized me acting differently and asked me why I was sad.   That made me happy.  I felt like he really cared about me.

 

But now I'm all mixed up again. Now I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me because he was acting strangely to me today...and it's weird.  I mean...all my friends are connected...I feel like they all keep doing things and I hear about these things, but I'm not actually involved in them...and there's no reason for me not to be involved because I am here doing nothing.  

So basically...I don't know.  I just don't know why I'm sometimes not invited to things.  I just feel left out...and I don't understand why this happens.  

Apparently I made this blog five hundred years ago, but never posted anything in here.  I've always used livejournal, even greatestjournal for awhile, but I stopped posting in those blogs and they got too old and nostalgic for me.  I want to start new and fresh here.  I'm also trying to write in a journal in addition to this electronic one.  I hope I do write frequently; I have a lot of emotions and need to express them in healthy ways.  Bottling up my emotions inside of myself only leads to negativity.  I can see that and so can the people around me.  

Anyway, I'm going to briefly introduce myself.  I don't know why I feel the need to because this is mainly for me.  However, it is online so I guess if others read it they might be interested in who I am.  My name's Rebecca and I'm going to be a sophomore in college.  I go to Massachusetts College of Art in Boston and am majoring in animation (I can't wait to make cartoons!).  I love it there.  I'm going to live in an apartment there with three of my friends next year.  I'm currently home for the summer in New York.  I'm working two jobs, but I still like to have free time.  I need to be able to relax, make art work and hang out with my friends.  I love my family and friends, like any other human being.  A lot of my crazy emotional rants will most likely derive from my interactions with them.  

As of right now, I'm waiting to go out and do something.  I was supposed to work tomorrow, but my bosses don't need me.  That's too bad...it's good money.  I work at a local, adorable tea shop in addition to being a page to my local library system.  I feel more productive these days.

Today, my mother, grandma and friends went to my church's Strawberry Festival.  After enjoying a delicious strawberry shortcake, I found myself hauling pieces of a couch into everyone's car.  Apparently my mother thought the $100 couch they were selling was a good deal.  So after a huge scene, we finally got all the couch pieces home.  It's a nice couch, especially seeing as how my other couch was falling apart.  My dad really liked my old couch though...so he might be angry...we'll see.  

That's probably not interesting to anyone.  

Well the things I want to do this summer are fairly interesting:

-I want to see the play Waiting for Godot in New York City

-I'm going to see Jason Mraz in concert

-I want to go to the Bronx zoo

-I want to go to Hershey Park (I've never been...and chocolate is my favorite indulgence, so this fact troubles me)

-I want to go to Paul McCartney's concert at the new Mets' stadium

-I want to go to a baseball game again 

I want to do a lot of shit.   I'll keep posting new things.

I guess that's all for now...oh I want to get better at writing.  I don't write that much at art school and I need to brush up on my skills.  I've always been a fairly decent writer.  I don't want my talents to wane, I'd rather them wax...was that moon reference stupid?  Oh well.  I don't care either way.