I know

I know I'm mostly crazy, but still...

I wish I had appreciated times in the past more between my friends and I.

Nothing's radically different nowadays, it's just a mentality change.

I don't know. I used to feel that all my friends genuinely enjoyed my company and would want me to be there with them in certain situations. I often was invited to things.

Now I feel....left out.

And I feel like they don't care either way if I'm there or not.

I guess I wish I never placed such a high importance on friends because I've only been let down lately.

I don't remember always associating them with my happiness, but I suppose I always did.

It's stupid though...real happiness has to come from inside myself.

I also just want adventure and new experiences. I'm restless. I'm determined to change, but the change I want is always harder to obtain the change that happens in life that I never asked for.

"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences." -quoted in the movie Into the Wild

In the end

The concert was amazing! The best thing I've ever seen and probably ever will see...concert wise...I don't know...world prove me wrong.

It made me very happy...so emotional.

I tried not to, but I cried for Hey Jude, Let it Be and Here Today. I just couldn't believe I was seeing him.

It made my whole family happy, especially my dad which makes me really happy. Sorry, I need to come up with a better word than "happy," but I'm not exaggerating. Anyway, the concert really gave me hope that everything will turn out all right for me and my family.

"In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." I've grown up listening to that line, but it's never meant so much to me in my life than right now. It's so true.

I think the concert just made me realize that dwelling in negativity won't ever do me any good. I'm trying to move on, just let go and accept everything happening around me.

I think in the long run that's all that will really matter.

Thank you Paul...

...and John and Ringo and George.

maybe I'm amazed

I'm seeing Paul McCartney tomorrow night in concert at the new Mets stadium!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait I'm so excited.

I grew up listening to The Beatles. My dad loves them, as do I. They hold a special place in my heart. Seeing Paul tomorrow is the closest I'll ever get to seeing The Beatles. I can't begin to express how much this will mean to me and my whole family. I know everyone loves The Beatles, but that doesn't make this feel any less special. It makes me love them so much more for how they could touch so many people.

I feel bad, I was a little moody today and maybe mean to my family, but tomorrow will be fine. I can't wait. I think my heart might literally cave in from all the happiness.

I need Paul to play Let it Be, Hey Jude and Maybe I'm Amazed. I'm pretty sure he will. I really want him to play Michelle because that's my middle name and I also love that song.

Pretty much...tomorrow is a big moment in my life.

Sounds lame, but I don't care :D

I'm totally half in denial/ half upset and accepting of my grandmother's health.

It's not looking to good.

I'm writing her a card tomorrow and painting a sunflower. We used to go and walks and look at the sunflowers.

Um...but this is something she's accepting of.

and that fact makes me fear death less. I think it's less scary, when it's your time to go.

It still is sad.

And I still fear dying just because there's so much I want to do.

UGH

Why won't anyone cooperate with me? I just want to do something fun! This summer has been so boring. All I do is work. And when I'm not working, I want to be having fun, but I'm not.

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I miss Boston.

I want to get away

I'm going to try to make this entry the least bit as melodramatic as possible.

The people I surround myself with are just making me angry these days. I love them all or something, but I keep feeling put down. I don't know if I'm acting my true self around them anymore.

Now I'm not saying I need to get away on vacation or anything, but I'd like just one break from the monotony. Every week seems to drag along the same way. I want something new and exciting.

I get angry or hurt around some people, but I don't want to be alone either.

At this point I just feel like I have to get down on my knees and beg people to pay any mind to me. Fuck that. Honestly, I don't need that. If they don't want to make an effort to talk to me, then why should I waste my time on them?

Seriously, I feel that people treat you kindly when you first meet them. Perhaps this stage doesn't always last long, but it's nice and I really want that.

Yes that's it! When you first meet a person and they're excited to be talking to you...they actually give a damn about what you're saying. I want that.

Like I said, I think I just want a break.

This is one of my favorite songs ever:

I often try to listen to the advice of the lyrics in this song.

Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Slowly fade away

So I start a revolution from my bed
'cause you said the brains I have went to my head
Step outside 'cause summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off you face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

And so Sally can wait
She knows it's too late
As we're walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don't look back in anger
I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows
If it's night or day
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a rock and roll band
Who'll throw it all away

I'm gonna start a revolution from my bed
'cause you said the brains I have went to my head
Step outside 'cause summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off you face
'cause you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait
She knows it's too late
As she's walking on by
My soul slides away
But don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
I heard you say
At least not today