Gah

I miss my dad. I feel like I haven't been normal to him since the summer...since he got laid off, I just feel bad. I feel like his spirit has been crushed. ...and I guess I've avoided talking to him because it kills me to see him in moments of weakness..

But he's doing better.


And I think I sorta had a revelation tonight...what does it matter, if he's struggling a little right now? I think it threw me off because my whole life he's been in charge of his life and I thought everything was perfectly stable with him. This just makes me realize that he's human. He's perfectly fine. And I love him completely. I miss him so much right now. It doesn't matter what weird standards I set up for him, I still love him for him...I know he'll get out of this rut, but he needs my support. I can't be freaked out anymore. I need to show him my love and support.

chocolate

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

I'm really confused right now. I'm restless and weird.

I want to do something. I don't know if it's because I'm lonely or because it is something I really want. I really don't know.

But it's like...I really want something to happen...but deep down I know it can't be that morally correct.



should I act on an impulse for once? I never usually do.

Wait

I really enjoy the Rubber Soul album of The Beatles. That came out of nowhere.
It might be my favorite album...hmmm

Fresh start

It is now 2010. Happy New Year! So long and good riddance to 2009, an awful year, in my humble opinion.

I need change. I need to do something new, exciting and life-changing. I'm young now. I'm afraid I'm going to get older and not have experienced anything spectacular.

So here's I list I'll continue adding on to of things I should consider doing....or definitely want to d and need to happen.

-Lose weight. This one is necessary in my opinion. I've been saying it for years and I've done this gradually, but now it needs to happen. It's not good that a lot of my self-confidence depends on my weight, but I keep convincing myself that it does. And I'm the only one who has control over my appearance. Control is a good thing. I need to finally do this and I'll feel happier about myself.

-Figure out a summer job...MassArt Library is an option. Library at home is another option. I'd rather stay in Boston because I believe it would be more eventful and I already have to pay for the apartment so that makes sense.

-Look into study abroad programs. Maybe even a summer program?

-Look into an internship...a summer internship or one for next year.

-Read more books.

-Sketch more

-Calm down...I don't know...to be continued...

I've been thinking...

Where do people turn to in times of need?

To religion. To God.


I want to find my way again.


I have so much faith in God and the afterlife. It's like...one day this summer, I took a walk to the cemetery by my house ("my cemetery"). It was so wonderful and peaceful. I wish I had wrote about this experience then while it was still fresh in my mind, but I'll try to look back.

I was walking through the path of trees, and I heard the wind chimes. Everything was so warm, but not dreadfully hot. I lied down on the grass and everything felt so nice. I did not feel worried. I didn't feel alone. I don't know how to describe in words how I felt, but it was beautiful. It gave me faith that there is something else out there...something beyond this world. Particularly with Florida Grandma (a person I could not get off my mind this summer and even right now), I just knew she was going somewhere wonderful. I knew she still would exist somewhere and that everything would be ok.

Even now, she's in my dreams. I know there's something.

Another thing, today, there was the most beautiful sunset. I was on the 12th floor of the library and light was shinning on the books. It was a mix of orange and pink colors. Everything else around me was dark, but the light was so prominent. It made me feel warm.


I know there's something good out there. I know this negative stage will change.


I guess at this point, I just don't want to wait any more. I want to do whatever it takes to make this warmth come and full throttle.

All I truly want for Christmas this year is change...and to be happy. I want to be happy and I want my family to be happy. I really really really want my family to feel good again. It hurts me so much to ever know they're in pain.


So I need God. God, I need you. I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

I hate the word "No." I think I hate that word the most.


Who likes being told they can't do something? Whether it is a dream or just something simple we want to do, people don't being told "No." The word is just so concrete and so negative.


I know it's a simple word...it's common...it's necessary.

But I hate it and I try not to say it.


I hate being told "No." And I hate being told to "Shup up" or "Be quiet."

I won't be afraid just as long as you stand by me

re·sent·ment

n. Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance. Sometimes, it helps me to look up exact definitions of words. I was just trying to make sure I was using the word resentment correctly and apparently I am. I resent all my roommates. This could all be "real" or "imagined," I'm never able to tell. I just wish people would stand by me...and I don't think I'm making up the fact that these people who are supposed to like me don't give a shit. I can get over the fact that two of these people, I've only known for a year. But I've known Amanda for seven years. She's supposed to be loyal. Instead, her, Kate and Sara are all really close and they all don't care about me. Why does this happen? It makes me so upset. Besides the fact that I'm living with people who are cold to me, only me and nice to everyone else, it hurts because I feel betrayed. Or rather, wrongfully abandoned. I try not to think about it, but I guess I think about this every day. Maybe I should just try to stop thinking about it altogether. Maybe, it's real, but I'm exaggerating it. And if I can focus on other things, I'll be happier in general....and the happiness will be coming from myself... and then maybe through all of this, they won't treat me badly anymore, if I'm overall in a happier state...and maybe I should just get to the point where they don't affect me that way. I always feel that the people that are the most successful are the ones who don't let people or things bother them. I mean that in the broad sense because I know we all get bothered...but I think I'm bothered by many things. I'm sensitive. I want to change. I want to change. I want change. Positive change. I know it will all work out in the end. I just feel lost and alone. The only thing I'm sure of in my life right now is animation...and I'm not even that good at it...I just know I want to do better. So...how do I change? Or accept change from outside sources?