It's hard for me to accept events lately. I keep getting mad at myself. Why didn't I do this instead of that?

Honestly, those thoughts are dumb and are getting me nowhere.

Everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that. I don't know why certain things are happening lately, but I hope, I really hope and deep down I actually believe, that something positive will come out of all of this.

I'm trying very hard to hold on to that hope.

Remember the wrong opportunities?

Well I think lately God or the force of the universe is purposely stopping these wrong opportunities from happening. Lately, I feel like a lot of things that could be full of potential are going no where. I don't like that feeling. I have been feeling stuck. But for some reason, today I'm taking it as a sign. There's a reason why these things aren't working out. Perhaps I would be wasting my time on them: whether it's a job I didn't get, a friendship or relationship that's just not working, I think it's all for the best.

At least I'm begrudgingly forcing myself to believe this as I sit and wonder why a lot of opportunities have been back-firing lately. I do believe that things happen when they're supposed to, often when you least expect them to.

So I'm not going to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self-pity. How lame would that be? Rhetorical question, anyway...Instead, I'm going to fight. "Never give up, never surrender." I'm taking every lost opportunity with a bit of spunk and feisty restlessness. Perhaps it's better that this happens, so I never stop trying.

"Why do we fall sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." -Batman Begins
I don't know why I have to justify everything I think with a quote, but I find it enjoyable.

The point is, I don't want to stop trying. Something will work out eventually. I have to be patient.

There's one thing that makes me sad every day. I really don't know how to fix it. I've tried several things and they all back fire. I need it to get fixed soon. Maybe I'm being too sensitive...

Feeling invisible and under appreciated right now

Feeling invisible and under appreciated right now

I hate when people try to make me feel like I am not putting in enough effort...especially when it comes to menial tasks that don't mean anything in the long run. My co-worker at the library is so condescending and snide to me. She thinks I'm a carefree, irresponsible idiot. I really would love to inform her that just because she looks like a beat up rag doll from a second hand store that talks like she doesn't give a shit and is highly opinionated, doesn't mean she's this groundbreaking unique person who is better than everyone else. She is miserable and has nothing positive to say about any one. I make a mistake once or twice and she always bitterly tells me to just put in the effort and to stop being lazy. I am the complete opposite of lazy when it comes to school work. I mean sure I slack off sometimes, but that's human nature. She is just a very negative, mean, arrogant person who is up on her high horse. She always bluntly says degrading things to me and I never give in. It pains me not to. I want to yell at her so badly.

But I guess in the long run, she just wants a fight and she wants to make me angry. Well she's doing a good job! But at least I won't give her the satisfaction of knowing that.

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but I really really really hope one day someone doesn't take her shit.

A good walk home

I usually resent walking home alone in the dark and cold. Today was different. I felt some sort of visceral force that everything was ok and will continue to be that way. It was lightly snowing and I kept looking up at the glimmers of white flakes in the street lights. I am so unbelievably sick of the winter and the snow, but tonight it was fine. The snow was beautiful from every angle. And I was cold, really cold, especially my uncovered ears, but it was ok. It actually felt good.
Everything felt peaceful. The mundane walk that I take every day that bores me to no end, flew by because I was so lost in my thoughts. Finally good thoughts. They were about me and I was finally thinking "you are ok" instead of "you should be this."

Tonight I watched a documentary about children literature, the writers and illustrators. Not that I necessarily want to go down that field, but I felt so connected with them. Everything the different people said, I connected with in some way. I felt those things too. And knowing that I could relate to and even completely sympathize with most every one of their accounts, really made me believe that I am a storyteller or at least that I have it in me. I really felt like I too have these great things inside me. Not that I'm going to be the next big sensation in animation or illustration, just that I have good in me and it will be recognized.

I could be completely far off here, but I'm going to stop with the doubts. I feel better about myself. And it's not that I think I'm amazing and nothing can stop me, but I actually want to tell stories...the stories those children's book offer are so incredibly beautiful and it was wonderful to see what drove the artists and writers to make them. I felt so conncected with their reasons for creating. I want to create as well.

opportunities

The wrong opportunities

I'm always disappointed when life presents me with opportunities and they fall through. I think that's a universal human feeling. Just a few weeks ago, I was slightly overwhelmed by attention from males. It was ridiculous to me...just about any guy I've had interactions with in the past few months all decided to talk to me at the same time. And it felt awesome. It also freaked me out and I couldn't concentrate on much else. But most importantly to me, two guys in particular were around and they seemed like great opportunities for dating. One being my ex who I hadn't talked to in months and a new guy who I had met about twice. Granted, I had many more feelings for my ex. No brainer. But he didn't want to date me. And that devastated me. Wish I was being dramatic. He just wanted to see me when it was convenient for me...and still get the benefits of being my boy friend (if you know what I'm saying) without the commitment. Douche bag. I still really liked him when we were apart, but I finally realize he's not worth it now. Long story short, I honestly don't care about him anymore. Sure, I might think about him sometimes, but not like I used to in which I still liked him and wanted to see him. I know now he's not good for me at all.

Moving on, opportunity number 2. I'm not in love with him or anything. But I like him and I just wanted to hang out with him more. I realize I was putting a lot of pressure on my relationship with him and I know that's because I just want a relationship. Moreover, I think I'm just upset that this is a lost opportunity. He's doing a million auditions for television and applying for jobs and so he's probably going to move to a different state...soon...maybe even less than a month.
So I'm not sad for losing him. I barely know him. But I'm sad for losing the potential.

And I'm trying to convince myself that these men were the wrong opportunities. Granted I know my ex was a poor decision after discovering what he wanted, but the second guy could have worked out. And I am sad that I'm winding up with no one after all that potential. But it was bad potential...or at least it wasn't meant to work out. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. So why did I even know the second guy? Was it an ego booster? I think I'm trying to think of him as a way to get over my ex. In moments of weakness, I considered seeing him still because I liked him that much, but because of the opportunities of the other guy, I felt stupid even trying. It's like this guy was hope that there are others out there. That's why it sucks that he has to go away so quickly before anything could have worked out, but whatever.

What will happen will happen no matter how much I feel. I can't be upset about him because I can't control him. And there are other options. There are other guys out there. Guys I'm sure I'll even treasure more.

I hope so anyway. I'm going to try to stay positive on this one.