Gah

I miss my dad. I feel like I haven't been normal to him since the summer...since he got laid off, I just feel bad. I feel like his spirit has been crushed. ...and I guess I've avoided talking to him because it kills me to see him in moments of weakness..

But he's doing better.


And I think I sorta had a revelation tonight...what does it matter, if he's struggling a little right now? I think it threw me off because my whole life he's been in charge of his life and I thought everything was perfectly stable with him. This just makes me realize that he's human. He's perfectly fine. And I love him completely. I miss him so much right now. It doesn't matter what weird standards I set up for him, I still love him for him...I know he'll get out of this rut, but he needs my support. I can't be freaked out anymore. I need to show him my love and support.

chocolate

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

I'm really confused right now. I'm restless and weird.

I want to do something. I don't know if it's because I'm lonely or because it is something I really want. I really don't know.

But it's like...I really want something to happen...but deep down I know it can't be that morally correct.



should I act on an impulse for once? I never usually do.

Wait

I really enjoy the Rubber Soul album of The Beatles. That came out of nowhere.
It might be my favorite album...hmmm

Fresh start

It is now 2010. Happy New Year! So long and good riddance to 2009, an awful year, in my humble opinion.

I need change. I need to do something new, exciting and life-changing. I'm young now. I'm afraid I'm going to get older and not have experienced anything spectacular.

So here's I list I'll continue adding on to of things I should consider doing....or definitely want to d and need to happen.

-Lose weight. This one is necessary in my opinion. I've been saying it for years and I've done this gradually, but now it needs to happen. It's not good that a lot of my self-confidence depends on my weight, but I keep convincing myself that it does. And I'm the only one who has control over my appearance. Control is a good thing. I need to finally do this and I'll feel happier about myself.

-Figure out a summer job...MassArt Library is an option. Library at home is another option. I'd rather stay in Boston because I believe it would be more eventful and I already have to pay for the apartment so that makes sense.

-Look into study abroad programs. Maybe even a summer program?

-Look into an internship...a summer internship or one for next year.

-Read more books.

-Sketch more

-Calm down...I don't know...to be continued...