It's hard for me to accept events lately. I keep getting mad at myself. Why didn't I do this instead of that?

Honestly, those thoughts are dumb and are getting me nowhere.

Everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that. I don't know why certain things are happening lately, but I hope, I really hope and deep down I actually believe, that something positive will come out of all of this.

I'm trying very hard to hold on to that hope.

Remember the wrong opportunities?

Well I think lately God or the force of the universe is purposely stopping these wrong opportunities from happening. Lately, I feel like a lot of things that could be full of potential are going no where. I don't like that feeling. I have been feeling stuck. But for some reason, today I'm taking it as a sign. There's a reason why these things aren't working out. Perhaps I would be wasting my time on them: whether it's a job I didn't get, a friendship or relationship that's just not working, I think it's all for the best.

At least I'm begrudgingly forcing myself to believe this as I sit and wonder why a lot of opportunities have been back-firing lately. I do believe that things happen when they're supposed to, often when you least expect them to.

So I'm not going to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self-pity. How lame would that be? Rhetorical question, anyway...Instead, I'm going to fight. "Never give up, never surrender." I'm taking every lost opportunity with a bit of spunk and feisty restlessness. Perhaps it's better that this happens, so I never stop trying.

"Why do we fall sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." -Batman Begins
I don't know why I have to justify everything I think with a quote, but I find it enjoyable.

The point is, I don't want to stop trying. Something will work out eventually. I have to be patient.

There's one thing that makes me sad every day. I really don't know how to fix it. I've tried several things and they all back fire. I need it to get fixed soon. Maybe I'm being too sensitive...

Feeling invisible and under appreciated right now

Feeling invisible and under appreciated right now

I hate when people try to make me feel like I am not putting in enough effort...especially when it comes to menial tasks that don't mean anything in the long run. My co-worker at the library is so condescending and snide to me. She thinks I'm a carefree, irresponsible idiot. I really would love to inform her that just because she looks like a beat up rag doll from a second hand store that talks like she doesn't give a shit and is highly opinionated, doesn't mean she's this groundbreaking unique person who is better than everyone else. She is miserable and has nothing positive to say about any one. I make a mistake once or twice and she always bitterly tells me to just put in the effort and to stop being lazy. I am the complete opposite of lazy when it comes to school work. I mean sure I slack off sometimes, but that's human nature. She is just a very negative, mean, arrogant person who is up on her high horse. She always bluntly says degrading things to me and I never give in. It pains me not to. I want to yell at her so badly.

But I guess in the long run, she just wants a fight and she wants to make me angry. Well she's doing a good job! But at least I won't give her the satisfaction of knowing that.

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but I really really really hope one day someone doesn't take her shit.

A good walk home

I usually resent walking home alone in the dark and cold. Today was different. I felt some sort of visceral force that everything was ok and will continue to be that way. It was lightly snowing and I kept looking up at the glimmers of white flakes in the street lights. I am so unbelievably sick of the winter and the snow, but tonight it was fine. The snow was beautiful from every angle. And I was cold, really cold, especially my uncovered ears, but it was ok. It actually felt good.
Everything felt peaceful. The mundane walk that I take every day that bores me to no end, flew by because I was so lost in my thoughts. Finally good thoughts. They were about me and I was finally thinking "you are ok" instead of "you should be this."

Tonight I watched a documentary about children literature, the writers and illustrators. Not that I necessarily want to go down that field, but I felt so connected with them. Everything the different people said, I connected with in some way. I felt those things too. And knowing that I could relate to and even completely sympathize with most every one of their accounts, really made me believe that I am a storyteller or at least that I have it in me. I really felt like I too have these great things inside me. Not that I'm going to be the next big sensation in animation or illustration, just that I have good in me and it will be recognized.

I could be completely far off here, but I'm going to stop with the doubts. I feel better about myself. And it's not that I think I'm amazing and nothing can stop me, but I actually want to tell stories...the stories those children's book offer are so incredibly beautiful and it was wonderful to see what drove the artists and writers to make them. I felt so conncected with their reasons for creating. I want to create as well.