opportunities

The wrong opportunities

I'm always disappointed when life presents me with opportunities and they fall through. I think that's a universal human feeling. Just a few weeks ago, I was slightly overwhelmed by attention from males. It was ridiculous to me...just about any guy I've had interactions with in the past few months all decided to talk to me at the same time. And it felt awesome. It also freaked me out and I couldn't concentrate on much else. But most importantly to me, two guys in particular were around and they seemed like great opportunities for dating. One being my ex who I hadn't talked to in months and a new guy who I had met about twice. Granted, I had many more feelings for my ex. No brainer. But he didn't want to date me. And that devastated me. Wish I was being dramatic. He just wanted to see me when it was convenient for me...and still get the benefits of being my boy friend (if you know what I'm saying) without the commitment. Douche bag. I still really liked him when we were apart, but I finally realize he's not worth it now. Long story short, I honestly don't care about him anymore. Sure, I might think about him sometimes, but not like I used to in which I still liked him and wanted to see him. I know now he's not good for me at all.

Moving on, opportunity number 2. I'm not in love with him or anything. But I like him and I just wanted to hang out with him more. I realize I was putting a lot of pressure on my relationship with him and I know that's because I just want a relationship. Moreover, I think I'm just upset that this is a lost opportunity. He's doing a million auditions for television and applying for jobs and so he's probably going to move to a different state...soon...maybe even less than a month.
So I'm not sad for losing him. I barely know him. But I'm sad for losing the potential.

And I'm trying to convince myself that these men were the wrong opportunities. Granted I know my ex was a poor decision after discovering what he wanted, but the second guy could have worked out. And I am sad that I'm winding up with no one after all that potential. But it was bad potential...or at least it wasn't meant to work out. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. So why did I even know the second guy? Was it an ego booster? I think I'm trying to think of him as a way to get over my ex. In moments of weakness, I considered seeing him still because I liked him that much, but because of the opportunities of the other guy, I felt stupid even trying. It's like this guy was hope that there are others out there. That's why it sucks that he has to go away so quickly before anything could have worked out, but whatever.

What will happen will happen no matter how much I feel. I can't be upset about him because I can't control him. And there are other options. There are other guys out there. Guys I'm sure I'll even treasure more.

I hope so anyway. I'm going to try to stay positive on this one.

some other folks

I've been weird lately, but I have been feeling much better. It makes me angry how long it takes me to get back to normal sometimes.

Anyway, is it weird that I love my boss and coworkers? They're very fun and comforting. Last night, I started to get emotional by accident. My boss was asking me about what happened and how I broke up with my ex and blah blah...and I like started tearing up for some reason. I don't know.

And he was so cool about it. And my coworker too. And he was just like "you're pretty, you're smart" etc. Haha and I know it's mostly important that I feel these things for myself, but it made me smile.

And this morning, I saw that he emailed me and asked if I was doing ok. That was so sweet of him! I just really appreciate that he cares. It's really nice because he doesn't have to care at all.

It's funny having friends in weird places.

"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it."

Why is The Lion King always so correct? lol

I feel so dumb and I don't know how to fix this at all.

"You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went; you can swear and curse the fates - but when it comes to the end, you have to let go."


I've referenced this before, but it's very appropriate right now. I need to always remember this.

I feel like I could wait for a long time if I had some sort of comfort...some sort of hope that it will be fine. A reassurance if you will. I want that reassurance to come to me, but it's not.

I don't know if I should keep trying or if I should just move on...gah.

be at peace

This day started off badly, but I feel much better now.


I talked to my boss for a long time about God. He always makes me feel at rest and have a better understanding. Ultimately, I understood that God isn't angry at us. God wants us to leave church and "Go with peace." He summarized this sentiment in terms of "I'm not okay. You're not okay. But it's okay." It's okay. It's all going to be fine. We also talked about how rainbows symbolize peace: for instance, this can be found in the rainbow after the flood and Noah's arc. All day I had been listening to The Rainbow Connection because the Muppets make me feel better. It had been overcast and unpleasantly raining all day. I looked past my boss outside the window over the city before I was leaving work and after we had discussed everything...in a blurred vision, I thought I saw a rainbow, but moreover I knew there was one. I just knew it. And sure enough there was a gorgeous rainbow arch covering half of the sky! I just felt that was very amazing and not merely coincidental. I felt at peace. I also felt happy walking home.


I do not know what the future holds. I do not know what's in store for me or the rest of the world. I do know that I will suffer hardships, but I know that it will all be okay. God will be suffering the hardships with me. And He's not mad at me. In fact, he's forgiven me before I was even born for all the sins I have and will commit.

Sorry this entry turned very religious. I just wanted to say that no matter what happens, it is very important to feel at peace and to believe in yourself. God wants that, and that is what's best for us. And if you're not religious or spiritual in any way, but have a little childish gleam in the heart maybe you can learn this peaceful attitude from the Muppets.