sometimes

Sometimes I worry that I'm not getting everything across...let me try to explain this. I feel like I have so much I want to share with the world...comforting, sweet, ideas...fun ideas, beautiful things...I dunno. I was watching Pixar's Up and I fall in love with it more each time. Just how they presented the characters with such charm. I just feel like I want to present those things too...and either I'm not doing it right or I don't have as many charming ideas as I thought I did...

Lately I feel like my teachers are telling me I have a lot of potential. That I'm capable of being amazing. This is both good and bad. I guess I just want to be amazing now and I don't know how to. I'm struggling. I just feel like something's not clicking...and hopefully one day it will all make sense? But is it that easy?

I just don't know.

Hope

I wrote this in 10th grade in high school. Some things never change.

"A very important word to me is hope. I think we all must have hope, cherish hope and never let it go. I've come to realize that when everything is hitting and chipping at me, hope keeps me sane. Hope is easily clichéd, but it is important. I want to leave this world knowing that hope actually was a good thing. I want to tell people to have hope, even if everything doesn't always go right. To dream about something to come can be difficult, but I find it so worth it instead of living in pessimism thinking nothing will ever get better. Maybe one day that boy will like you. Maybe one day you'll feel complete again (even though all your loved ones are gone). I hope to become a better person as I grow up. I wrote a poem once perfectly describing myself; I always felt that I was "Vulnerable, not beautiful," but I hope one day that I can change. The thing is, for me it's hard to just dream and not do anything about it. When I hope, I drive myself to try to achieve what I am dreaming about. Some things are more difficult to attain, but just that feeling that everything is within reach if you want it enough is a comforting thing to me."

hope

Out there
There's a world outside of Yonkers
Way out there beyond this hick town, Barnaby
There's a slick town, Barnaby
Out there
Full of shine and full of sparkle
Close your eyes and see it glisten, Barnaby
Listen, Barnaby...

summer in the city

It appears that I will be spending the summer in Boston!

I'm definitely going to work at the library here :) Now I just have to see if I can get an internship...

and no

And now for no particular reason, I do not feel good. I feel fairly negative. Gah!


Where's that happiness?

Well these feelings are no good and I'm going to try really hard to feel content again...because why should I worry?

strange and beautiful

I feel really happy/content these past few days. I have no idea why. There's nothing that special happening. Trust me, I have a lot of school work and stuff to worry about, but I just feel good.

I think for once everything might start working...I don't know.


I'm turning 20 on Saturday. Maybe I'll finally start acting mature or something.

In any case, I'm feeling pretty good...and I hope it stays this way :)

people they ain't no good at all

There's so many things I could say to you in a letter, but I can't summarize all that I feel. It is a very difficult task. I finally realized this much however. I don't miss you. I don't need you. You are not truly my friend.

You have made me act horrid this past semester and made me very upset. I now know that if I hadn't invested so much time last semester worrying about our fucked up friendship, I could've been focusing my energy on strengthening good friendships and building new ones. I'm already so much better off right now with you not in my life.


I think you are a selfish, spoiled, rotten person. You are greedy and awful. You don't care about anyone but yourself.

I've done so many crazy things in my head to protect myself from you. To justify myself to you...to try to present to you different ways of saying "You are not doing this right at all."


All of these quotes I have directed towards you and I doubt you even know.

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." -Mark Twain

You are a small person.

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed." -Albert Einstein

Your eyes are clearly dimmed.


"I don't blame any of us. We're all concerned, intelligent, good women. It's just that I feel stranded. And I thought the whole point was that we wouldn't feel stranded. I thought the point was we were all in this together." The Heidi Chronicles by Wendy Wasserstein

I thought we were in this together, but you have made it clear that we are not. This used to make me really upset, but now I don't even want you in my life. I know I'm better off without you. This is definitely your loss. I deserve better.